I Hate Holidays

I know that sounds totally Scrooge. And I don't mean it that way. It's not that I'm not for goodwill toward man or peace on earth. But the problem is, that has nothing to do with the American version of the holidays. Here's how I know this. First off, as a Jew, much of the merrymaking around X-mas leaves me cold. On the other hand, Christmas used to be a great day to eat Chinese and catch the blockbuster movie that nobody bothered to see on Christmas Day. You had the streets to yourself, the movie theater barely had a line, and the Chinese food was never better. But then a funny thing happened. Everyone else figured out that the Jew's Christmas is the way to go, so we no longer cornered that market.

Christmas also used to be a great day to fly. I think that's still true, but who the hell cares anymore, since flying is miserable every day of the year now. It's not like when I used to fly with a row to myself with a bottomless glass of chardonnay by my side.

Another problem: presents. Now I enjoy shopping, probably more than the average person. But that is not what you're doing around the holidays. You're shopping with a plan. With a competitive marketing agenda egging you on. And you probably have heard this before, but it's really not like this anywhere else.

I spent one Christmas in Nairobi, Kenya, and it was all about church and a big meal. Then I spent another Christmas in Paris, and basically, same thing, with worse weather. It's only in this country where we just got nuts for stuff. And here's the real kicker. We are going down, friends. I mean, this country is sinking faster than Titantic. We're polluters, we're consumers, we're up to our ears in debt, and we're at war. The dollar isn't worth much more than a peso. But do we care? No, you hear people who have barely digested their Thanksgiving turkey salivating at the idea of a 4 a.m. wake-up call to stand outside some big-box store on some strip off some highway to buy some piece of lame crap from some other country that we didn't make but are happy to buy up as long as the price is way, way low.

So, hooray for the holidays. Now let's gird our loins and get it over with.